A Handy Guide to Wristbands

Yes indeedy: You, too, can spend one measly dollar and show the world how modest and how supremely giving you are. People will marvel at your heroic stand against poverty, tsunamis, brain cancer, and other things that non-wristband-wearers might very well be secretly for. For that bubbly fresh feeling of do-gooderness, consider wearing several of these bracelets at the same time — or wear them all to unleash a philanthropic tsunami of Asian proportions!

• A pink wristband shows you're against breast cancer.
• A yellow wristband shows you're against all types of cancer.
• A yellow wristband, in certain hospitals, also means "do no resuscitate." (But if the medical team misinterprets your anti-cancer bracelet, hey, at least you died for a good cause.)
• A black-and-white wristband shows you're against racism.
• A white wristband shows you're against poverty in Africa.
• A white wristband also shows you're against tsunamis. (Special Bandwagon Award for this one!)
• A camouflage-green wristband shows you support American troops.
• A marbled red-white-and-blue wristband does the same thing. (Wear them both to show you're twice the patriot your neighbors are!)
• A teal wristband shows you're against cervical cancer.
• A green wristband shows you're against brain injuries.
• A grey wristband shows you're against brain cancer.
• A lime-green wristband shows you're against muscular dystrophy.
• A lime-green wristband also shows you're against frivolous lawsuits.
• A brown wristband shows you're against Irritable Bowel Syndrome. (OK, I made that one up. So sue me, I'm wearing my lime-green wristband.)
• A light blue wristband shows you're against autism.
• A light blue wristband also shows you're against genetic defects.
• A blue wristband shows you support democratic values.
• A blue wristband also shows you're against bullying (U.K. only.)
• A blue wristband also shows you support the Bush agenda. (Don't wear these three simultaneously, as they're clearly incompatible and will cause massive confusion.)
• A blue wristband shows you really like pets. (Combined with the preceding wristband, this will also show your affection for First Dog Barney!)
• A blue wristband also shows you're against kids getting sick.
• A blue wristband also shows you're against sports gambling.
• A blue wristband also shows you're pro-life.
• An orange wristband shows you're against AIDS.
• An orange wristband also shows you're against lack of respect. (Netherlands only; wear them both to show you especially respect Dutch AIDS patients. Dank u wel!)
• An orange wristband also shows you're against lupus.
• A red wristband shows you're against frivolous lawsuits. (Wear it combined with a lime-green one to show everyone you're doubly pissed off and are not going to take it anymore.)
• A red wristband shows you're a John Kerry supporter.
• A red wristband also shows you're against kids smoking cigarettes. (Wear both to show you believe that John Kerry, while a good man, wants to hook your kids on tobacco.)

Or, according to a disputed article in the New York Post, any of these could signal to others that you're willing to perform certain sexual favors.

Comments

[rachel]

where can i get one of these wrist bands

[Katherine]

Yeah im looking to buy one of the blakc and white ones for the fight agianst racism and i spent at least 2 hours on the computer looking for them and all i could find was a few articles about how people are buying them...if you could let me know where you found those that would be great

[Holly]

i really want a black and white wristband too! You can't find them anywhere, websites onliy evertell you who's got one! And where can you buy singular pink wristbands (against breastcancer) in the UK? if you could tell me thanks x

[Sarah and Jack]

How do we get hold of these????

[Simon]

i'm and semi-pro footballer and i would like to get the blakc and white wristbands coz i wanna fight agianst racism can u help me ?

[Simon]

hi im a semi-pro and im looking to buy one of the blakc and white ones for the fight agianst racism can u help ?