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Thursday, May 31, 2007

Help, My Mail's Gaining Weight!

Envelope A man in Ohio goes to the post office and gives the clerk an envelope addressed to yours truly in Maine. Said clerks weighs it, charges 75 cents postage, and sends the envelope on its way. After it arrives at my local post office, I am charged 22 cents "postage due."

Is this an example of government workers making inscrutable decisions, redoing other employees' tasks, creating busywork, putting rules before reason?

Couldn't be. Most likely, the envelope simply gained weight while in transit. Yep, that's it.

More postal fun here.

The War on Promotional Devices

Massachusetts cops zero, commercial promos two:

A faulty bank fax printed a message that was misinterpreted as a bomb threat Wednesday, leading authorities to evacuate more than a dozen neighboring businesses and a day care center. The branch manager of the Bank of America called police about 10 a.m. after receiving a fax containing images of a lit match and a bomb with a fuse, bank spokesman Ernesto Anguilla said. But text explaining the fax was an internal bank promotion failed to transmit. The missing text included the phrases "The countdown begins" and "Small business commitment week June 4-8," according to a copy circulated by police. 

Meanwhile, in England, 

Cops shut the main road in Hasland, Derbyshire, and told residents to stay indoors. Pub boss Steve Chapman said: "We thought terrorists had infiltrated the village." 

All on account of a package in the local post office that started buzzing. Which serves as a useful reminder that if you don't remove the batteries from the vibrator before you ship it, the terrorists will win. (Note that I said the vibrator, not your vibrator. Fight Club aficionados know why.)

Ohmibod_2 What's that you say — a vibrator is not a promotional device? That depends, my friends. I give you this page from the April/May issue of Bright magazine, an excellent Dutch techno-culture publication. Take out a two-year subscription and the publisher's fulfillment department (heh!) will send you a gift (link marginally NSFW) that'll warm the cockles of your heart — and other body parts too.

If a mainstream magazine in the U.S. offered such a subscription premium, the scandal would surely occupy at least one news cycle. By contrast, in the Netherlands, I believe not a single person has pronounced him- or herself miffed or perturbed, much less gone apeshit.

Sometimes the Dutch still make me proud.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Protecting the Children (Again)

I visited a medical office today, my four-year-old daughter in tow. Someone had tuned the TV set in the waiting area to AMC, and the movie on the screen turned out to be Taxi Driver —€” not suitable kiddie fare by any stretch. We happened to come in right at the moment when vigilante-in-training Travis Bickle witnesses a convenience-store robbery. Five seconds before he pulls out a gun and blows away the perp at almost point-blank range, I quickly opened the 101 Dalmations book we'd brought, then held it straight up ten inches from the tip of my daughter's nose and began reading the conversation between Old Towser and Lucy the Goose out loud.

I guess I could instead have sprinted over to the TV to turn it off or change the channel, but there was the small fact that at least two other people had their eyes peeled on the screen. If I'd been in their shoes, given the presence of a young child, I probably would have offered to switch the TV to another station, but they were oblivious, and I can't say it bothered me much.

Not to get too self-congratulatory here, but I think I handled it relatively sensibly: I shielded my daughter from age-inappropriate images, without presuming to tell other people what they may watch in her presence. No fuss, no harm.

Then I thought about how coincidental it was that on my computer screen at home, I had just pulled up two news stories to blog about, both describing rather similar 'problems' but with different attempted solutions. To wit:

• Billy Ford, a Georgia man who was exposed to scenes from the moderately raunchy HBO series Rome on a recent Delta flight, is still mad, even though Delta stopped showing the program on the overhead projector after he complained. The airline later explained that projecting the show for all to see had been a rare mistake, and reiterated its policy of only showing anything with potentially objectionable content on passengers' individual seat monitors, where patrons have the option of changing the channel with a simple button push.

Not good enough, fumes Ford, who finds himself supported by Morality in Media, a New York-based group that rails against pornography and other 'indecent' entertainment.

They say sexually explicit programs should not be allowed even on the personal screens because neighboring passengers are exposed to the images, regardless of whether they want to be. An airplane "is a public place," said group president Robert Peters. "It's not a private home where some adult pays extra money to bring HBO into their home." Peters said that children could order the adult-themed programming if they are seated away from their parents or if the adults are sleeping or not paying attention. They also could be exposed to them by neighbors. "I often find myself watching someone else's screen," Peters said. "I typically read and write when I fly, but you get bored, you get tired and instead of turning on your own television, you look around." 

In response, Delta says that

...passengers, including parents, may request that access to the on-demand programming be shut off to their seats, and that customers who request to be moved away from someone watching a program that offends them will be accommodated when possible.

Which strikes me as a pretty good compromise. It's€” infinitely preferable to having one man or woman determine for everyone else what may be viewed and what's off-limits —€” a widespread but infuriating moralistic impulse that I and hundreds of other passengers were on the receiving end of on a flight we took a couple of years ago.

I have a hunch that Robert Peters is one of those people who actually like trolling for objectionable content. After finding it, these folks eagerly complain about its shamefulness with an eye on announcing to the world how unblemished their souls are, how pure their morals —€” all the while worrying that someone will spot the involuntary erection in their pants.

I would personally draw the line at passengers viewing actual pornography in plain sight, but there's obviously quite a chasm between close-ups of sexual penetration in Debbie Does Dallas and a few seconds of suggested nookie in Rome, where the worst you'll see is a toga that falls off a young woman's shoulders, thus —€” curses! —€” exposing a few square inches of her breast.

If Messrs. Peters and Ford are so mortified by movie scenes with lovemaking or hints of nudity, perhaps they shouldn't ever travel —€” or leave the house, for that matter. After all, in our age of video iPods and DVD-equipped laptop computers, there's always the chance that someone, somewhere will be watching something out in the open that's several degrees more risqué than, say, 101 Dalmatians.

Billboard_2• To continue the theme, I also should mention this story from Chicagoland, where a billboard for a local spa (click on the thumbnail to enlarge the image) features a woman who, I'd wager, wears between 300 and 500 percent more clothing than the average Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. Still, that's too racy. With thanks to reader Ben Young for sending me the link:

"I was shocked," said Regina Thibeau. "I was offended as a woman, angered as a mother and embarrassed as a resident of Glenview."

The 10-foot-by-36-foot sign along Willow Road near Patriot Boulevard depicts a model lying on the beach with lines pointing to "problem" areas on her body, such as facial lines and wrinkles, and corresponding "solutions," including Botox.

So, for good measure, it's not just the amount of bare flesh that disturbs Thibeau; it's also unacceptable to her that most people have different views than hers about what constitutes female beauty. Almost everyone appreciates smooth skin, for instance. Well, how dare they?! Ban those offending images from public view!

"It doesn't represent us as people whose beauty emanates from within," Thibeau said. "I'm a mother, a wife, a member of the PTA, and this is an affront to everything I work for and try to instill in my children."

Has Thibeau sufficiently impressed you with her bona fides? I mean, she's a woman. She's a mom. She's a wife. How wonderfully quaint and old-fashioned that she seems to claim her moral authority mostly based on her possession of a vagina. But hey, congratulations to her husband and her children, of course. She sounds like a real prize, what with all that natural beauty "on the inside." Plus, she's very talented, at least when it comes to spreading her nanny disease deeply-felt outrage:

By Tuesday, more than 300 people had signed petitions asking the owners of the salon and medical spa to replace the billboard, Thibeau said. 

As I wrote in my e-mail to Ben,

These people are going to have heart attacks if they ever travel in Europe. In which case, I hope the Europeans have trouble finding the defibrillators.

Magic: Court Dismisses Harry Potter Foe!

Laura Mallory, a mother from Georgia whom regular readers might remember, is upset that Harry Potter books can be found in school libraries. Ms. Mallory wants them banned, because she believes they promote witchcraft.

So far, so boring, except for the fact that when she took her case to the state court yesterday, here's how she presented her 'case.'

Mallory argued in part that witchcraft is a religion practiced by some people and, therefore, the books should be banned because reading them in school violates the constitutional separation of church and state.

"I have a dream that God will be welcomed back in our schools again," Mallory said. "I think we need him." 

Oooh, way to promote the separation of church and state!

I'm about as impressed as the judge, who effectively told her to get lost.

Maybe he's a witch?

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Should Cars Have Built-in Speed Limiters?

Help me out here. One of the people commenting on a story about U.K. cops driving too fast has a novel solution to the problem of drivers breaking the posted highway speed limits:

What I don't understand is the manufacturing of automobiles that go so much faster than legal limits allow. Why not simply put the limits on automobiles, with a slightly higher limit set on police vehicles? Make it impossible to speed. Opportunity makes the thief, as the saying goes. Deny the opportunity.

Well, why not? How would you respond?

I may play devil's advocate, just for the hell of it (heh-heh).

Monday, May 28, 2007

And the Kidney Goes To...

I'm sure there'll be plenty of handwringing and tut-tutting about this.

Dutch broadcaster BNN plans to air a television show next week in which a terminally ill woman will decide who out of three young patients will get her kidney. Viewers will be able to advise the 37-year-old woman, known as Lisa, via text messages which of the candidates to pick, the Algemeen Dagblad newspaper said. The show is scheduled for next Friday in a prime time spot. BNN, whose former director died from kidney failure after spending years on a waiting list for a kidney transplant, told the Algemeen Dagblad newspaper that the show wanted to highlight the acute shortage of donors in the Netherlands.

Apart from the tacky entertainment aspect, I have no problem with the initiative. It's Lisa's body and she should be allowed to do with the parts she won't be needing as she pleases.

In the United States, it's illegal to privately donate organs to a specific recipient; you have to go through a government-appointed monopoly, and whether that outfit will respect your wishes is anyone's guess.

It's also anyone's guess why the monopoly is necessary or advisable in the first place. To make sure organs aren't bought and sold like some [shudder] commodity? But creating a market in organs is exactly what we should be doing, for all these reasons.

Bashing Tinky Winky Is So 1999

Poland has launched a fitting tribute to the recently-deceased Jerry Falwell:

A senior Polish official has ordered psychologists to investigate whether the popular BBC TV show Teletubbies promotes a homosexual lifestyle. The spokesperson for children's rights in Poland, Ewa Sowinska, singled out Tinky Winky, the purple character with a triangular aerial on his head. "I noticed he was carrying a woman's handbag," she told a magazine. "At first, I didn't realise he was a boy." ... Tinky Winky's psychological evaluation is being treated fairly light-heartedly by many people here. One radio station asked its listeners to vote for the most suspicious children's show. Some e-mailed in to point out that Winnie the Pooh had only male friends.

Yeah, well, that's the least of it. Don't get me started.

Veteran in Distress? Fire Away.

The New York Times has a sickening account of how local law enforcement officials in Maryland responded to the mental-health crisis suffered by sergeant Jamie Dean, a battle-weary war veteran who had sunk into a depression after receiving redeployment orders.

A situation in which an armed man was in his own house [an isolated farmhouse], alone and a threat to no one but himself, had now escalated into a military action. On the ground, men with guns; in the sky, the whop-whop of helicopters.

And then, of course, they killed him.

Happy Memorial Day.

Fun in the Sun!

Did you know that doing fun stuff can be banned without any legislative or judicial action at all? The same federal entity that couldn't build and maintain levees strong enough to save New Orleans is now demonstrating its commitment to [cough] safety by singlehandedly outlawing summer fun in several states:

Sarah Bonham and her friends have jumped off 40-foot-high sandstone cliffs into Summersville Lake countless times during camping trips and church youth functions. To many teenagers, it’s a summertime rite as common as tanning and fishing. As of Friday, it’s no longer legal. The U.S. Army Corps of Engineers announced the diving ban from cliffs at 19 lakes in Southern West Virginia and surrounding states. "I think it’s disappointing," said Bonham, 19, of Cross Lanes. "People can get hurt by anything. As long as you’re smart about it and you’re a strong swimmer and use common sense, it should be OK." 

Not to be outdone,

Many of the beach towns on Long Beach Island, one of New Jersey's most popular summer vacation spots, have laws prohibiting people from digging deeper than 12 inches in the sand. They stem from an accident several years ago in which a teenager died when a deep hole he was digging collapsed, burying him.

A fine start. Now let's get rid of other beach hazards too. I mean, people can drown in the sea if they're not careful. It ought to be against the law to swim in water deeper than 12 inches. That's just common sense.

How can we make our beaches even safer? By electing more legislators brave enough to put their foot down on bird shit. OK, well, you know what I mean. Take this New Jersey town:

Ocean City passed a law in January prohibiting the feeding of seagulls from beaches or other public property. Officials say they acted to prevent bird droppings from contaminating waterways and spreading disease. 

Brilliant! Everyone knows that if you don't feed birds, they can't possibly find their own food, so in no time they'll stop pooping — and our recreational waters will be safe again.

This is what I'm talking about, folks. Ideas! Innovation! Leadership! Let's keep the momentum going.

What's that, Wildwood, NJ? You've got a law making it illegal to stand under the boardwalk looking up as people walk overhead? Thank you for your upskirts-thwarting foresight.

And your beach policy, Brigantine town, which outlaws "boisterous" behavior and "loud cries" — I commend you (but very calmly and quietly, of course).

As for you, Long Branch, your prohibition on parking a baby carriage on the sand within 15 feet of a beach entrance — may I just say, that's fantast—. OK, maybe that one needs a little work.

"I can't fathom what the thought process was behind that one," said Mayor Adam Schneider, who did not know the law existed until a reporter questioned him on it.  

Friday, May 25, 2007

Weekend Kid Blogging: Mailable Monsters

My oldest daughter turns five next week. What to get her? She wants me to take her fishing, so a fishing rod was a no-brainer. I also ordered up some business cards for her that list both of her future professions — she wants to be an ice-cream-truck driver and a paleontologist, and I don't think she means consecutively. (At one dollar for the cards, with free shipping, it's a gag that didn't break the bank. You can get your own here.)

But then, via To the People, I visited Monster By Mail, and I knew I'd found something special for a little girl who's thrilled by cryptids and scary monsters, and who loved visiting cryptozoologist Loren Coleman's private museum last December. (You know you've hit some peculiar nerve when your kid livens up a car trip by chattering about Bigfoot for three hours straight.)

Monster By Mail is a fabulous little web operation by art director and illustrator Len Peralta, who draws your very own monster on demand and sends you the original in the mail for just 23 bucks. For another ten, he even includes a video of the artwork in progress. All you have to do is come up with a name for your scary creature, and Len's imagination does the rest.

Changshabigfoot My request to him was to draw the (non-existent, as far as I know) Chinese Changsha Bigfoot, perhaps flanked by some likeness of my daughter — and boy, did he come through. Coincidentally, as if by osmosis, he even used my favorite color, yellow, for the background, in roughly the hue of my beloved convertible.

It's not just the artwork itself I like; Len's overall style and his playful business idea put a smile on my face, too. It doesn't hurt that he started making mailable monsters to pay for the healthcare costs of his sixth child. What a cool way to support a family!

The Weddings Guy

Quotes To Live By


  • "The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government."

    — Thomas Paine


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    — Thomas Jefferson


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    — Elvis Presley

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    — Pagan Vigil


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    — Reason


  • "Mercilessly skewers the idiocy of the nanny state ... with a wry sense of humor that makes it a daily must-read."

    — To the People


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    — Dirty Laundry


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