Beware Broken Bulbs and Stuffed Santa Dolls

Hi there, farker!

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Safety and security before everything is our world's new mantra. And if we didn't have highly paid government officials protecting sanitation workers from four-inch elevations, and warning the rest of us against sticking forks in power outlets, we'd surely all be dead.

Two fine examples. England again, of course.

An elderly woman had her rubbish collection stopped because council officials ruled that a four-inch step outside her home was a health and safety hazard. Priscilla Thomas, 76, was told that unless she lowered her wheelie bin down the step and on to the pavement herself, her rubbish bags would not be collected by binmen.

In other news,

MPs have been issued with a 10-point guide on what to do if they find a broken light bulb in Parliament. The detailed instructions were drawn up by the House of Commons Commission, which is responsible for the day-to-day running of the Parliamentary estate. It said a protective mask and gloves should be donned before tackling stray shards of glass and explained how to brush them up using a piece of stiff card. A spokesman for the Taxpayers' Alliance said the guidelines were "ridiculous" and a waste of time. He said: "MPs are public servants paid for using public money — have they really nothing better to do than sit around writing guidelines on how to use a dustpan and brush? Politicians are living on another planet. We pay good money into the Government coffers and the very least we expect is good value in return."

It's a nice dream.

While we're on the topic, the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents has long cautioned British citizens to be especially careful around Christmastime, when

...gift wrappings, cards, glue and adhesive tape are likely to claim hundreds of victims.

You know how deadly those cards and pretty bows can be, don't you? Well, now you do.

Just for fun, I pulled up RoSPA's Christmas-related news releases of the last ten years. Read 'em and weep.

1998: DYING FOR AN OLD-FASHIONED CHRISTMAS?
Sample quote: "An old-fashioned Christmas could be the death of you, The Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents warned today."

1999: No news release found. RoSPA staff must have been attending a seminar to learn how to type safety guidelines without stubbing a pinkie or getting a hangnail and coming to an untimely end. The seminar clearly produced excellent results:

2000: LOOK OUT! THAT CHRISTMAS TREE IS DANGEROUS
Sample quote: "Most [Christmas-tree accidents] will result from branches poking into people’s eyes, others will cut themselves trimming the tree to shape and some will fall off ladders while adding the decorations."

2001: COMPUTERS ADD TO TRADITIONAL CHRISTMAS ACCIDENTS
Sample quote: “Records show people: hurting themselves unpacking their new machine; being hit by computers toppling off shelves and wardrobes: falling off ladders and downstairs while carrying a computer; walking into things while playing computer games; cutting themselves while carrying out maintenance work and tumbling on to computers when they slip or trip."

2002: CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS FIRE STRIKE FEAR
Sample quote: "Families are already starting to put up trimmings, candles, lights and trees — which have all been associated with fires in the past."

2003: DON’T FALL FOR CHRISTMAS IN CASUALTY
Sample quote: "Christmas trees, lights, trimmings and turkeys will be among the things turning seasonal merrymaking into misery and mayhem for thousands of families over the holiday period."

2004: OFFICE ALARM BELLS RING OUT FOR CHRISTMAS
Sample quote: "Office furniture isn’t designed to be as sturdy as the furniture in your local pub, so dancing on desks could do them and you a lot of damage."

2005: ACCIDENT FEARS OVER MINI MOTORBIKES FOR CHRISTMAS
Sample quote: "Ideally children need to go to a course or properly organised club where they can be trained and enjoy riding rather than risk breaking the law and being injured."

2006: TAKE CARE! CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS ARE NOT TOYS
Sample quote: "It is easy for parents to be confused and to think novelties are toys. We are not suggesting that people should not buy Christmas novelties, such as stuffed Santas, reindeer and snowmen, but that they should use them safely."

2007: RoSPA CANDLE FIRE WARNING TO AVOID CHRISTMAS TRAGEDIES
Sample quote: "Always read and follow the instructions given on any products that you will be using in your home this Christmas, including candles."

Happy holidays!

Comments

[smurfy]

"Most [Christmas-tree accidents] will result from branches poking into people’s eyes, others will cut themselves trimming the tree to shape and some will fall off ladders while adding the decorations."

I picture Chevy Chase in the lead role.

[George Arndt]

Tis the season to be..scared Shitless!

[tignish99]

They completely forgot about all the accidents that occur when parents attempt to open toys that are taped, stapled, tied, and then sealed in a clamshell.

[Tom]

I'm glad you guys alerted me to the dangers. This Christmas I'm not taking any chances. I'm going to sit on my bed (not too near the edge), wrapped up in my fluffiest dressing gown, far away from light bulbs and candles, and just rock backwards and forwards. I'd read a book, but I don't want to suffer a paper cut.

[Obbop]

Grandma got run over by a reindeer

[Dungeekin]

Personally, I think we should be thanking the worthies for their efforts to keep us safe and joyless - because, if nothing else, they do provide excellent rant and comedy material!

With that in mind, and to aid them in their laudable goal of a world where nobody ever gets hurt, dies, or does anything at all, I've taken the liberty of publishing a further pamphlet here:

http://dungeekin.blogspot.com/2008/12/tis-season-to-be-careful.html

With the kind help of the Bethlehem Branch of RoSPA.

After all, we can't be too careful or too safe now, can we Nanny?

A very merry, drunken, sharp-object-infested, non-PC Christmas to one and all.

D