Newborn Brought Up on Sex Assault Charges

I got pissed off inspired by this. And this. All I had to do was take it to its logical conclusion.

CLOVIS, NM — Just hours after being born, an allegedly sex-obsessed infant was taken into custody on charges of harassment.

A maternity nurse present at the birth of Ryan Sambora, the son of Gabriel and Mindy Sambora of Kingfisher Lane, called police after she determined the child had "enjoyed his time in the birth canal a little too much." The hospital worker, Valerie Shales, a six-year veteran of Gouldsborough Family Health Centers, said the woman was clearly in discomfort, even agony, while the son seemed "unwilling to dislodge himself from the mother's vagina."

"He cried in protest as soon as we got him out," Shales explained the ordeal. "He just seemed really determined not to leave Mindy's genitals in peace." Shales said she was obligated to notify the police by the hospital's zero-tolerance sexual-harassment policies.

The two CPD officers called to the scene were at first apprehensive about the allegations, and about detaining possibly the youngest sex offender in New Mexico history. Sgt. Chris Hernandez thought Shales might be "making a mountain out of a mole hill," he said, until he witnessed what he called "inappropriate touching."

"What changed it for me is we come in there and this kid, just without any shame, puts his lips to the mother's — you know, to her chest. We asked him to cease and desist and he wouldn't, so my partner Jake [officer Jacob Lukason] read him his Miranda rights and we took him in. He didn't put up much resistance, thankfully, or things could have turned out pretty bad for him."

Mindy Sambora pleaded with the officers and hospital staff to leave the baby with her. "He needs me! He didn't know any better! Why are they doing this to him?" she said during a brief interview that was frequently interrupted by her tears and outbursts of anger — signs that experts say are typical of the victims of sexual assault.

Ms. Shales, the nurse, said she understood Ms. Sambora's desire not to be separated from her son, but ultimately did what was best for her. "She has put a very brave face on this awful situation, but we all know that Stockholm Syndrome can affect the best of us. We're giving her all the care she needs, including valium, talk therapy, and an instructional DVD called 'You're Not Alone, You're Not to Blame.' "

Police have sent Ms. Sambora's rape kit to the forensics lab in Albuquerque and are expecting the results within a week. Deborah Healey, a spokeswoman for the District Attorney's office, declined to comment on the case, except to say that the investigation would look into claims by a local obstetrician that Ryan Sambora had repeatedly kicked Mindy, his mother, in utero. Ms. Healey conceded that, if true, "charges of aggravated battery may be considered, but we honestly don't want to get ahead of ourselves."

"Talk about a family tragedy," Sgt. Hernandez said during a phone interview, as the cries of an infant could faintly be heard in the background. "I feel real bad for the mother, and even for this young one we got in our care now. I reckon he may not have known that what he did was wrong. Still, ignorance of the law is no excuse."

Comments

[Hermes Ten]

I don't hate to say it, but public school administrators (or school "officials," to use the parlance of our times), are the dumbest fucking people on planet Earth. And they administer a bureaucracy that is something like the East German Stasi, but where their stupidity is encouraged and protected. However, we should try to see their side of it too: just imagine having a highly paid job with no accountability and obtained with absolutely no training or skills that can be applied in anywhere outside the public school system. Wouldn't you use every trick in the book to stay on top?

In the end though, we have schools like this because they are what the vast majority of Americans want. Anyway, these incidents are what happens to someone else's kid --until they aren't. In a truly civilized society parents would shut down a school run by these kinds of idiots buy refusing to put their children in their clutches. But that not only requires an expenditure of effort, it requires disobedience, and Americans are the most obedient creatures on the planet --and have been indoctrinated so by the very same public school system where conformity and obedience to "authority" are taught as the number one virtue.

[Martin Owens]

Your story was almost perfectly true to life, Rogier

- except for the tasers! You forgot to have the polizei taze everybody in sight, and then arrest them for falling down without a license.

Otherwise, a gem. Get a copyright fast before someone makes a movie out of the idea.

[Rogier]

Martin:

Thanks. I considered inserting a bit of tasering fun but it seemed too far over the top. Then again, LOTS of things in child-offender stories usually do, and most of the time, THOSE stories aren't made up...

[Cody]

Masterful satire. It's unfortunate that it's not that far from reality, though.

[Phelps]

You must have missed the part where he didn't comply with their orders to stand up so they had to taser him.

[John A]

The kid will, of course, go on the registry of sex offenders. And not be allowed to live within a quarter-mile of a school. Or ever get a job, like delivering pizza, that might involve interaction with kids. Or use a public restroom. Or be at a playground. or...

Bah. Oh, and from the news article, just what "misunderstanding" caused the principal to call police?

[Blue]

I can't wait for the Lifetime Movie of the Week!