But I'm a Cheerleader Vice-President President!

Forget Tina Fey.

About twenty minutes into the double-dreadful performance that was last night's veep debate, I realized that Palin much more closely resembles another actress: Frances McDormand. Think about it: Four to eight years of Palin would be exactly like four to eight years of having Margie from Fargo in the White House. The against-all-reason chipperness and desperate optimism are the same, as are many of the mannerisms and the relentless, almost grim folksiness. Also, Palin had the goddamn perky winking down (right at the camera, multiple times, as if she were attempting to buck up an entire children's leukemia ward via a satellite hookup).

To top it off, when she wasn't abolutely fetishizing the word "maverick" as though she wanted to rub up against it, she presented viewers with dozens of bubbly instances of 'ya' as a pronoun, usually in faux-Jane-Sixpack contractions such as "right there witcha" and "ya betcha" and all their ghastly variations.

Worse still, like George Bush, Palin says nucular. A lot.

I guess it makes me an elitist to point that out. Or maybe I just want a vice-president (and possibly president) who doesn't take her public-persona cues from Lucille Ball or Fran Drescher or Margie Gunderson, and who is less concerned with being cute — or cutesy — than with being commanding.

Palin, the cheerleader, beauty queen, and flautist turned connoisseur of international politics, managed to hold up for roughly half an hour, then was beset, ever so gradually, by a twitchy incoherence — surprising, given how often she looked at her notes, a move which should have steadied her and given her succor.

In truth, I thought Biden was pretty depressing too; career politicians, professional spinmeisters, and unabashed drug warriors inevitably are. His man-of-the people attempts (we were to believe that he frequents Home Depots and gas pumps to poll ordinary Americans about their day-to-day concerns) seemed about as genuine as the toothy smiles he flashed his opponent.

Nonetheless, Biden pwned the Momzilla from Wasilla with what seemed like a fount of knowledge next to her well of ramblings that called to mind George W. Bush, and sometimes Miss Teen South Carolina.

If the question is which candidate has at least some semblance of gravitas, well, Palin had a virtual L carved on her forehead for about two-thirds of the debate. Instead, of course, this election could well be another contest over who seems nicer to spend time with over a meatloaf-and-Jell-O church supper.

Though I'm not a great fan of Barack Obama, and plain distrust Joe Biden, would I like to see the McPalin ticket end up in the wood chipper, Fargo-style?

Ya betcha.

Comments

[Bob L]

Whoa, Rogier, your emotions are leaking a tad (grin). It would serve a higher purpose if all admitted that NONE OF THE ABOVE is the only logical choice in the voting booth. As one who refuses to "hold my nose" in the booth, I would sooner see the system crash now, then leave my children with the mess. The producers will always survive. Do the "write" thing; either party will bring collectivism to the land, is that what you want to be a part of?

[Howlin' Hobbit]

You're close there Bob L. What we need to do is vote (even if it's a write-in) for our favorite third-party candidate. I'm voting for Barr but I don't care if you vote for the Green party or the Bull Moose candidate (either one of them actually have a candidate?).

I'm sure that the thought of a libertarian in office scares the Greens nearly as bad as I'm scared by a Green in office but the point is to raise the numbers and awareness enough so that the two-party (if you can tell the difference) stranglehold on politics is, if not broken, at least shaken up.

If the "us vs. them" gets changed to "us, them and those other folks" we *may* have a chance.

[Martin Owens]

I told you before, my mind's made up.

I'm voting for the moose.

[Tom]

"Worse still, like George Bush, Palin says 'nucular.'" [Single quote marks added; system apparently will not take italics HTML coding.]

Complaints about "nucular" are overrated. Well, I mean, if it grates your ears, it grates your ears. But the pronunciation has a long and storied history, going back well beyond the 43rd president.

From a piece in Slate [consider this a blockquote; system apparently will not take blockquote HTML coding]:

In fact, Bush's usage is so common that it appears in at least one dictionary. Merriam-Webster's, by far the most liberal dictionary, includes the pronunciation, though with a note identifying it as "a pronunciation variant that occurs in educated speech but that is considered by some to be questionable or unacceptable." A 1961 Merriam-Webster's edition was the first to include "nucular"; the editors received so many indignant letters that they added a usage note in the 1983 version, pointing out its "widespread use among educated speakers including scientists, lawyers, professors, congressmen, U.S. cabinet members, and at least one U.S. president and one vice president." They even noted its prominence among "British and Canadian speakers."
-- http://www.slate.com/id/2071155/

[Marc J. Randazza]

I think Sarah Palin really is Suzanne Maretto. (Played by Nicole Kidman in "To Die For")

[Phelps]

Palin isn't modeling herself after Gunderson -- Margie is modeled after Sarah (and a few hundred thousand women just like her.)

And Coen Bros films are the place to go for this election. Biden is Walter Sobechek, McCain is Sheriff Tom Bell, and Obama is Homer Stokes.

[Joe R.]

"Biden pwned the Momzilla from Wasilla with what seemed like a fount of knowledge"

"Seemed" is the appropriate word, since many of the facts he stated were just incorrect. But he sounded confident when the words came out of his mouth, so I guess it's OK.

[hermesten]

McCain is Sheriff Tom Bell????? The is the craziest comment of yours I've ever read. If you really believe that you fundamentally misread the movie, Tommy Lee's character, or McCain --and possibly all three. The only character in NCFOM even close to McCain is Carson Wells, and even that's a long shot.

McCain is more of a Kubrick character: an uptight less controlled General Jack D. Ripper; or on his best days in the best possible light he's General Buck Turgidson.

I also disagree that Caribou Barbie is a Margie Gunderson. Palin is something more like Greg Stillson would be if he had the looks and intellect of Betty Boop (about the only call CNN has ever gotten right). Margie, after all, had zero sex-appeal, a good heart, and wanted to do the right thing. Palin is a dishonest underhanded opportunist who trades on her looks, and wouldn't be a small town dog catcher if she wasn't so physically attractive.

[Phelps]

Margie, after all, had zero sex-appeal,

That kills any credibility you had.

[hermesten]

OK, not zero, but I was actually making a relative comparison between Margie and Caribou Barbie. Also, I'm talking about Margie, not Frances McDormand.

You may find Margie to have sex appeal, but that's probably because you run to the thoughtful and intellectual side. The Palin base males aren't energized by her intellect or the quality of her character. In fact, they seem to talk most about her "legs." Margie didn't show her legs.

My use of the word "zero" should be considered in this context.