Dangerous Asswipes (I'm Speaking Non-Pejoratively)

When it comes to the horrors of over-consumption, the Guardian can always be counted on to raise the alarm; and its writers are rarely so happy as when they can talk disdainfully of fat American assholes.

The tenderness of the delicate American buttock is causing more environmental devastation than the country's love of gas-guzzling cars, fast food or McMansions, according to green campaigners. At fault, they say, is the US public's insistence on extra-soft, quilted and multi-ply products when they use the bathroom.

Not everyone is impressed. Writes one commenter who isn't overly concerned with finding just the right euphemism:

I am really sorry for the baby seals and the starving in Africa and it is all my fault as I want to get the shit off my ring piece without causing more anal bleeding than there already is.

On a slightly more serious note, another commenter cuts right through the Guardian's (forgive me) bullshit:

For years environmentalists (including me) have been fighting the fight to keep virgin forests intact ... virgin being synonymous for "old growth" forests or forests that have never been logged commercially. Now, the word — with its previous emotional baggage — is being applied to any unrecycled fibers. ... Toward the (pardon the pun) bottom of this piece, it finally comes out that "virgin" in this context is wood from tree farms (generally fast-growing pine) that are renewable resources (and wonderful carbon traps). Given the energy expended on recycling v. that expended on tree-farm harvesting, I doubt there's really much difference ... just an attempt by an increasingly profit-oriented, horribly cynical environmental industry to scare the, um, crap out of people.

Me, I'm hardly wedded to virgin-forest quilted triple-ply. I'd be happy to clean off the undercarriage with something wholly natural and equally soft, such as the pelts of Siamese kittens or the follicular offerings of flaxenhaired young children.

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P.S.: I don't think I'd be smoking the kittens, however, in a bong — unlike this guy.

P.P.S.: How about toilet paper made from actual shit? No, I poo you not.

Comments

[Jerry]

"I am really sorry for the baby seals and the starving in Africa and it is all my fault as I want to get the shit off my ring piece without causing more anal bleeding than there already is."

I'm sorry but sandpaper toilet paper sucks, and I'd give up something else before using the recycled crap (no pun intended).

[Phelps]

Maybe we could wipe our asses with sanctimonious Europeans? Then everyone is happy, especially the Europeans!