From now on, May 18 ought to be National Cougar Day.
No, this is not about honoring sexually aggressive middle-aged women looking for boy toys — Madonna doesn't need our charity. This is about celebrating and encouraging police officers who shoot stuffed animals. The idea came to me thanks to these brave cops:
Police in Michigan responding to a report of a cougar on the loose said they ended up shooting a large toy cat with a Taser stun gun.
Warren police said the 911 caller said a
huge animal resembling
a 150-pound cat was spotted in an old cement drainpipe in Bates Park and 10 officers were sent to the scene, WDIV-TV, Detroit, reported Monday. The officers saw the outline of the animal in the pipe and shot it with a Taser.
The idea is that once a year, in early May, we scour our attics and thrift shops for stuffed animals, then donate them to our local police force. It's optional to dress the toys in darling prison stripes, or tie cute bandanas around their furry necks that say things like "Do Tase Me Bro."
Then, at noon-time on May 18, we all gather in the main square to applaud the line of officers proudly brandishing their batons and tasers. They get to pummel the stuffing out of the pile of toys, and send thousand of volts through those fluffy bellies — as often as they like! No holding back!
Meanwhile, a marching band alternates between renditions of, say, Elvis Presley's Teddy Bear and Michael Jackson's Beat It.
You know how much fun it is whacking a piñata, right? This is worlds better. I'm positive our patrolmen and -women will love it — the beating and the tasering (that's a given), but most of all, the thoughtfulness and tender support of an admiring citizenry.
Come on, who's with me people? Let's do this. It's the least we can do for the heroes who risk life and limb to keep us safe from toy cougars.