I just came across satirist Tom Lehrer's delightful half-century-old ditty about the Vatican, and wondered how that once-controversial song would go if the old tune smith tried his hand at it today, with the new spate of child-abuse scandals engulfing the Catholic Church.
Alas: Lehrer, I believe, hasn't released new material in decades. So I did the honors myself (not that I can touch his lyrical greatness). I've kept the first two lines and made up the rest. Everybody sing!
First you get down on your knees,
fiddle with your rosaries.
Even the youngest devotees
must please the Church's appointees.
Blessed be the meek and timid
who'll let the Holy Father rim it.
The fire of faith, no man can dim it
as priests take God's love to the limit.
Before you know it you're succumbing
to an invasion of your plumbing.
Hummers don't require humming.
Praise the Father's second coming!
Yes praise the Lord and Mother Mary
For the quite extraordinary
men of God who'll pop your cherry
since they're not allowed to marry.
Say ten Hail Marys and do pray
as you star in their Passion Play.
The worst sin is to disobey.
Refuse and there'll be hell to pay.
Don't think of it as child destruction.
It's not rape but sweet seduction.
Priests require frequent suction
not taught in Sunday School instruction.
Then wipe their genitalia
with the church regalia.
(The Pope, in dolce Italia,
loves kiddie bacchanalia.)
It seems that every priest and abbot
has the hot blood of a rabbit.
Every waking hour they're at it.
Can't you see? It's force of habit.