Nobody's Business

Only Small-Dicked Cops Need Apply

Wannabe cops packing real heat — enlarged penises — are unfit for the force, as their genitals will be a "hindrance during training." Seriously.

Write your own cops-with-small-dicks jokes in the comments.

Allah Most Merciful

Ali Hussain Sibat is a small-time Lebanese swindler who sells love potions to the unrequited, and who engages in other cheesy bullshit such as predicting people's futures.

Our friends the Saudis pulled a sting operation on him, and are now determined to chop his head off because they've convicted him not of consumer fraud (which isn't punishable by death) but of...

...sorcery.Yep.

Sibat's case highlights...

...a legal system that critics say operates in secret and functions with little oversight, due process or even written laws. Saudi Arabia's Constitution is the Koran. [emphasis mine]

It's like Salem all over again, just with a different set of dim-bulb fundamentalists sitting in judgment.

Health Official Decries Fat Inbreeders, Like Himself

Abdulla al-Naim, the high-ranking Qatar official charged with improving his tiny nation's health, is trying to get citizens to eat less and exercise more. The Qatar people are getting fatter, he notes with concern.

He would also like to raise awareness about the genetic effects of inbreeding; Qatar's culture encourages intra-clan marriages, a custom that, predictably, tends to produce mentally retarded offspring.

Mr. al-Naim cannot, however, hide the fact that he is overweight himself. "I eat too much and I don't exercise," he admits.

Also, he is married to his first cousin.

Just the guy to tell the rest of the country to shape up.

A First Amendment Victory

Some people are beneath contempt — like the sickos who sell gleefully-shot videos of animals being killed. We ought to exclude them from polite society by denouncing them and choosing not to associate with them.

What we can't do, however, is take away their free-speech rights. The Supreme Court has recognized that just now, in an 8-to-1 decision, affirming, in U.S. vs Stevens, that the First Amendment may not be suspended for speech that is unpopular, really unpopular, or really really unpopular. In fact, exactly the opposite. Really really unpopular speech is why the First Amendment exists.

It seems that everybody but Justice Sam Alito gets that.

[via Marc Randazza]

Religion of Peace Update: Man Kills His Apostate Family

"He became increasingly radicalized with orthodox Islamic beliefs, ultimately demanding compliance to fundamentalist Islam by his wife and family. He killed his wife because she would not wear Muslim attire, and would not follow his beliefs."

Oh, he killed his kids too (plus two underage nieces for good measure) — I suppose become the damn rug rats weren't sufficiently interested in becoming prayer-rug rats.

Not Islamabad, by the way. Not Riyadh. Not Khartoum. Chicago.

Catholics and the Curious Case of Christ's Cock

Catholics in Oklahoma are consumed with passion and wracked with doubt over the latest scandal in the Catholic Church. So they're finally expressing outrage over priests diddling little boys, right?

No, actually. Their soul-searching focuses on the son of God's ginormous wang.

[A] controversial crucifix has caused a deep divide among members of St. Charles Borromeo Catholic Church, where it hangs above the main altar. "There are a couple people who have left the parish,” said the Rev. Philip Seeton, the church’s pastor. "There are people in the parish who don’t like it and have stayed." Critics of the crucifix take issue with what appears to be a large penis covering Jesus’ abdominal area. Seeton said the portion of the crucifix in question is meant to be Jesus’ abdomen "showing distension" — not a penis.

Seeton said, "I’ve had people who have vocally said that that’s what they see there. I’ve had people who have been just as vocal who said that’s not what they're seeing there." Janet Jaime, a local iconography artist who designed the crucifix, had no comment. "I think it was painted according to the certain specific rules of iconography and church art,” Seeton said of the crucifix.

Hell-arious. Apparently, if you're a (pardon me) member of the church, any time is a good time to work yourself into a lather over Christ's cock.

I don't mean any disrespect, of course. Catholicism, at the very least, is endlessly entertaining, and the world would be a less funny place without it. Who wouldn't get stoked about a religion that openly reveres the Savior's foreskins (all 18 of them)?

Political Satire? Not in Apple's App Store.

According to Laura McGann, Apple has banned an iPod/iPad app featuring the work of Pulitzer Prize-winning cartoonist Mark Fiore. Why? Because, in Apple's words,

   "...it contains content that ridicules public figures."

Cupertino. Kazakhstan. What's the difference?

My previous riffs on Apple's dictatorial dickbrainedness here and here. 

[thanks, Erik!]

Force of Habit: The Vatican Rag

I just came across satirist Tom Lehrer's delightful half-century-old ditty about the Vatican, and wondered how that once-controversial song would go if the old tune smith tried his hand at it today, with the new spate of child-abuse scandals engulfing the Catholic Church.

Alas: Lehrer, I believe, hasn't released new material in decades. So I did the honors myself (not that I can touch his lyrical greatness). I've kept the first two lines and made up the rest. Everybody sing!

First you get down on your knees,
fiddle with your rosaries.
Even the youngest devotees
must please the Church's appointees.

Blessed be the meek and timid
who'll let the Holy Father rim it.
The fire of faith, no man can dim it
as priests take God's love to the limit.

Before you know it you're succumbing
to an invasion of your plumbing.
Hummers don't require humming.
Praise the Father's second coming!

Yes praise the Lord and Mother Mary
For the quite extraordinary
men of God who'll pop your cherry
since they're not allowed to marry.

Say ten Hail Marys and do pray
as you star in their Passion Play.
The worst sin is to disobey.
Refuse and there'll be hell to pay.

Don't think of it as child destruction.
It's not rape but sweet seduction.
Priests require frequent suction
not taught in Sunday School instruction.

Then wipe their genitalia
with the church regalia.
(The Pope, in dolce Italia,
loves kiddie bacchanalia.)

It seems that every priest and abbot
has the hot blood of a rabbit.
Every waking hour they're at it.
Can't you see? It's force of habit.

Bras and Bombs

It's the third millennium; I think we can agree that women own their actions just as men do. This Salon piece, a speculation about the motives of female Muslim suicide bombers, carries an unfortunate undertone — half patriarchal. half Victorian — that seems to signal "Women are naturally virtuous so these poor things were corrupted by evil men."

You know, I'm ultimately not that interested in reading about how a male-dominant society maltreated these female mass murderers, any more then I am interested in reading apologias for male suicide bombers who grew up poor or were beaten as kids. Everybody gets fucked up by their upbringing or their past in one way or another. So what? Pretty much none of us go out and kill other people out of religious fervor.

I'll take these pitiful assclowns, male or female, at their own word: they kill for Allah, to wage Holy Jihad, to bring about the Caliphate, to teach the a-moral West a lesson. What other reasons for their never-ending bloodshed do we need? Why don't we simply listen to what they, themselves, are telling us?